Issue 3: On Trying
a new life starts with every fear overcome
I reconnected with nature. There is a story I want to share. So my family of 4 did a small trip to a neighbouring state. We saw the humongous Lodh Falls. SubhanAllah. How does one write about nature? Do you romanticise it? Do you write about how violent it is? How serene, or how gentle? Oh to think that my little heart, the dragonfly, the falls, the nations, all are but part of one community. The water hits the rocks like thunder, I believe in justice.
So, I spent an hour trying to convince my parents. I wanted to cross the footbridge and climb some rocks to be able to touch the waters. I wanted to dip my face. I was convinced that Lodh Falls could take away my girl sorrows (It didn’t, I just added a tinge of sad into the waters). They eventually agreed.
I start with the excitement of a child. I cross the first rock hurdle, I crouch and crawl to reach the steepest slope, I hug a large rock in front of me with my feet on a thin slice of wet rock, with running water beneath. (why the hell did my parents let me do this). I get cold feet in between. Now I freeze, my heart stops. I am on the verge of losing it. Three strangers try to boost my morale, but I trace back my steps and sit on top of a safer rock hugging my thighs. Cannot do it.
I look at the water. If I go home today without dipping my face into this very water, I will be meeting eyes with someone who could not overcome a tiny moment of fear. I remove my shoes. I start again. This time there is more connection, more stability, more courage. I said Bismillah, took a hand, jumped the most difficult jump.
Yes, I dipped my face. The water was cool. about the sorrows, it will take more than a face dip.
This indeed is the highlight of my trip. It reminded me of a time when I was in a situation that required me to rappel down the rock in the Aravalli. I was supervised. The ascent was thrilling. But the descent. I couldn’t start. I am screaming, yelling, crying, cursing. In tears. This is one of the most powerful fears I have felt. My will to live was way stronger then. There was a safety rope, I could eventually do it. With no grace.
I think in both these experiences, I saved myself a small guilt, and allowed my heart to expand. When fear leaves, the heart expands to accommodate more.
If I dose off in the lap of the forest amid all your creations huge and small some I will be kind to I some will be kind to Some I could stomp I some could stomp it will be all right but can you get a dragonfly To sit on my nose?
My love for you is a monolith of try
I read a poem and I think about it every single day.
Usually a beautiful poem reminds me of the love I am capable of offering. TC Tolbert’s poem does the opposite, it fills me with the warmth of having been loved so dearly, ad soft and subtly by people. And also when I have not been. I believe in attention.
Tum haar ke dil apna, meri jeet amar kardo
An incomplete playlist that raised me.
It will pass
Since we are talking about trying, you may want to watch this.
Nobody Wants This
You know it.